She said it better than I could

I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why having a miscarriage is so hard. In my case, I didn't even know about the baby until it had already started. Sure, I was given a lot of hope by the doctors at the ER and friends, but deep down I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable. And yet, I hoped. I found out my due date (Christmas Day). I imagined how James would look at his little brother or sister.

As women, we fill our lives with what-if's and hypotheticals. We worry about the next meal, the next year, and the next decade all at the same time. For the first time in my life when I go to bed, I don't spend 30 minutes pondering that day and the next and the one after, but only because I am too tired from keeping up with James! Instead my waking hours are spent physically and mentally multi-tasking. I never stop thinking. I never stop planning.

When we went in for our follow-up sonogram, the doctor came over to the hospital to go over the results. She said some thing then that really hit the nail on the head. It really encompassed all the feelings I had been grappling with for the last week, "For women, when that second line comes up, it's not positive. It's an entire future."



That is certainly true. That's why it aches. No matter how bad the situation was last week, I still found myself pondering that future. It was unexpected and surprising, but I was ready for that future.