I'm mad as hell

and I'm not going to take it anymore.

RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!

My parents are the type of people who think they know everything. They have never made a mistake in their life. Never had a parenting issue. In all fairness, they did raise 4 extraordinary kids, but that may have been a fluke. Growing up, we were limited to the number of activities we could do b.c. mom didn't want to drive to get us, they warned us about sex, took us to a conservative Christian Church, came occasionally to performances/recitals, etc. Despite feeling a little ignored, they also insisted on family dinner and holidays, which may be why I feel loyalty to them. My mom and I havr grown closer as I've grown older. Now with a new baby, we are back at square one.

I should be supplementing, I should be giving solids, why do I listen to my pediatrician? Why isn't that baby in his own room? He looks uncomfortable in his sling. He isn't satisfied with milk alone. Why cloth diaper, you can do other things to save the environment. For instance, don't buy juice boxes. You overdress him....and on and on.....

My mom says these things to my face, my dad sends passive aggressive emails to my sisters. They both think I should get a life. Thanks, I have one.

Being a feminist mom

So today as I drove to teach class, wishing I could stay home with DS and clean house, play, be domestic, I thought a little about how shocked my MIL was that I would ever consider being a stay at home mom. She "couldn't imagine not having a career." She always intended to go back to work and when I told her DH and I wanted a big family and eventually I might like to stay home and take care of the kids, she just couldn't believe it. In all fairness, I am a raging feminist. I study rape and prostitution in the 18th century. I'm active in women's groups. I took a lot of time deciding whether or not to change my name. Despite that though I don't think feminist=working outside the home. The problem with feminism is that people have such extreme ideas of what it is. I think we can thank NOW for that. Feminism, for me, is simply about choice. I have the choice to be a mom, have a career, go to school, stay home, etc...No one choice defines me as a woman.



Of course, I got to school, had a fantastic class, went to the library and picked up stuff for comps. Would it be so wrong to get a PhD just to have a PhD? I could be Dr. Mom.

Cloth: the final frontier

t's official the rest of my cloth diapers just arrived! I'm in the process of getting together everything I need to make the switch. Dipes, cloth wiipes, wetbags, a diaper pail etc...

Once I get settled into cding, I will post a beginner's guide to cloth diapers for other moms who are interested. So stay tuned!

For now though, I thought you might be interested in why I am making the switch from sposies to cloth.

1. I find myself very into natural/attachment parenting. I knew I was going to bf, but I didn't expect to become such an instinctual mom. I've found my expectations were out of line with the reality. I expected James to sleep in a crib. I expected him to use disposable diapers and love riding in a stroller. That's not what worked for us though, and I have learned to trust my gut.

2. That gut has been telling me that I needed to research cloth diapers. I felt guilty throwing away all those sposies.

3. I found out some interesting facts: the chemicals in sposies are associated with toxic shock, blindness, etc. I don't want that next to my son's privates. Disposables take upwards of 20 years to decompose. The average child goes through 1200 disposable diapers in the first year. (I found a lot of info a lot of places, some of it differed in factuality, but the principal was the same: diapers=chemicals+waste).

4. I found that cloth is much easier than it once was and very cute!



So wish me luck. I can't wait to tell you guys how it's going!

A prayer for mothers

I wrote this prayer to express the joys/concerns/etc I feel as a new mom.

The New Mother's Prayer
J .L. Albin

Lord, help me to be the mother my son thinks I am.
Give me the patience to meet his needs without frustratration,
The understanding to know the hard times will pass,
And the strength to trust my abilities as a parent.
Remind me that each day is precious and fleeting
And that I will only hold him in my arms a short time.
Grant me the confidence to be the mother I choose to be
And guide me when I feel helpless, lost, or unsure.
Let my son feel my love in all my actions
And help me to protect and nurture him all of my days.

Personifying Food and Other Strange Marketing Campaigns

What ad exec at Taco Bell decided personifying burritos was the way to sell tacos? Am I suppose to believe a beef melt is really talking to a nurse at the emergency room? Is anyone? Is that even in a small way funny?

In an effort to find out, I will now personify my breastmilk(bm):

BM: Help, I'm lost!
Police: But you're milk!
BM: Actually I'm Breastmilk.
Police: How can you be lost?
BM: I've lost my boob.
Police: How can you lose a boob?
BM: I don't know I'm just breastmilk.
Police: You're going to have to wait 48 hours to file a missing persons report.
BM: I'm not missing a person, I'm missing a boob.

Funny? No....not at all... Seriously, send an email to Taco Bell and tell them to fire their marketing team.

Accepting applications: motivation needed

So the pod person went on vaca on the day my son pooped on our sheets, the floor needs vacuuming, lesson plans aren't ready, and my husband is watching football. Incidentally how did an academic like myself wind up with a sports fan. Now don't peg me as one of those women who can't differentiate between a touchdown and a homerun. I know the rules to most major sports and understand them but I don't get why its entertaining. Moving on...If you fit the job description below, I have a salary of endless love to offer you:

-endless supply of patience and energy
- no need to sleep or eat
- a drive to actually clean the house not just move around the mess
- a willingness to have sex with my husband - lord knows I don't have the energy and he has needs
- a general love of cats
- the ability to hang pictures, clean tile, fold laundry and scrub pans
- boobs that never tire of being used as a pacifier, chew toy, and bottle
- bilingual - not sure why but it seems like a good idea.

I'm sure I just described moms everywhere, except for the fourth one. 'Cuz let's face it, no mom has time for sex.

An attempt to organize my life; or, how I learned to become a pod person

So I am doing this program to organize my house right now by setting up routines, which is kind of amusing with a 3 month-old. How can I expect to have a routine when he doesn't? Yes, I know I'm a hippie AP mommy who doesn't schedule her kid Moving on. Despite my inability to establish a routine in the last week I have accomplished the following:
1. Scrubbed with sponge and tooth brush the tile floors in my house
2. Cleaned the baseboards
3. Cleaned the fridge
4. Cleaned off my kitchen table
5. ORGANIZED BABY STUFF
6. Done laundry everyday
7. Typed up an excel sheet w/friends and family's addresses

and more....pause for station identification.

Who is this person? I now lysol wipe my toilets and sinks each day. What about becoming a mom did this? I mean I always fantasized about being a clean person. Not in a June Cleaver way, but in a god, wouldn't it be nice to have somewhere to put that way? That said my domestic obsession is taking its toll on my academics. I'm just not interested in theory or teaching. I want to be a mommy. Of course I'm in class for 12 hours a week, so I should not complain.

Now if I could find time to take a shower - that would be an accomplishment.

Poop and other bodily functions

There are a few things no one tells you about being a mother. One of them is that the girl you were who was disgusted by bodily functions dies forever. You know the one who is not amused by gross out body humor movies and questions why anyone would burp the alphabet or light farts on fire. Not that I do either now, but I do at least once a day finding myself giggling as my son ___ (insert bodily function - burps, farts, poops - here). This, in turn, makes him laugh, because, well, it is just so damn funny to do those things with your body. This amusement is useful because I find the fruits of one his labors makes its way onto me everyday. If you can laugh when he takes a shart, you can laugh when you realize its on you.

The good news is that pregnancy totally prepared me for this. Between, the constant peeing, constipation, burping, and farting, I'm just not phased anymore. In fact, I find myself, ever so gracefully, burping whenever I feel the urge despite my company. Perhaps a bad habit, but in some countries it's a compliment.

Who the hell thought of teething?

Seriously is this necessary? Just give it to them in the womb when they are comfy and doped up on amniotic fluid. I don't mind risking bitten nipples, since I am already a human teething ring. Think about it...tiny, hard pearls twisting up through tender, baby gums while they can't speak or, in my case, even hold a teething ring. And what's with this freakishly early teething? James is three months old. The kid is going to be in braces by the time he's 2 at this rate.

Getting to Know You.

Apparently in modern times the best way to get to know someone is by filling an email-forwarded questionnaire.  I  know this because people who have known me 10+ years send them to me all the time.  So here goes:

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Sesame ginger

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? McD's - I love the fries...

What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Addison's

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? Depends on the service. A few times I have had truly appalling service and that warrants a special “tip“ like “Your socializing infringes on my time“ or “Don't make your customer get their own refill from the bar.“ I used to wait tables and I don't buy into that hooey that once you have done it you always appreciate your waiter. I can tell the difference between someone who is really busy and someone who should never have taken a service job. For great service, I'll go as high as 30-35%.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Breakfast burritos

Name three foods you detest above all others: Coconut, nuts, and brussel sprouts

What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Empress chicken
What are your pizza toppings of choice? I love lots of veggies, sausage, and pepperoni

What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter and jelly

What is your favorite type of gum? Bubble Yum - something fruity

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone? No clue

Number of contacts in your email address book? which email address

What is your wallpaper on your computer? my baby boy
What is your screensaver on your computer? stars

Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Not that I know of.

How many land line phones do you have in your house? None
How many televisions are in your house? 2
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? Coffee pot
What is the radio station you listen to the most? radio? lol...how about Baby Mozart on cd

How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? Hmmm, at least three...

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? I am told my skin, but I have to go with my boobs.
Are you right handed or left handed? Right handed
Do you like your smile? Yes and no, wish I had braces as a kid
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? My wisdom teeth and a baby
Would you like to? No, well, maybe some cellulite
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Actually yes, I keep a set of Jane Austen novels in there.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? my sixth one
When was the last time you had a cavity? Never

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? my baby in the ridiculously heavy infant carrier
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No.

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, as Chris Rock said in Dogma, “It takes all the flavor out of the remaining years."
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Wow, always hated my first name, but it would seem weird to change it. I think I have to keep it.
How do you express your artistic side? I write.
What color do you think you look best in? Greens, reds.

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? I would have my own gang in no time (do they have gangs in medium security prisons?)

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? A gnat

If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No
How often do you go to church? looking for a church that will satisfy my agnostic husband.

Have you ever saved someone’s life? Possibly
Has someone ever saved yours? No

DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Yes, I am that desperate for money.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Refer to above answer.
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? Refer to above question and add how ecstatic my husband would be.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? I draw the line at loss of limb

Would you never blog again for $50,000? I could give it up
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? As long as they airbrush some stuff
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? I would probably throw up

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? NO

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? No, I have this mole on the top of my head and body waxing hurts!
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Just tv, can I watch dvds?