Sunday, September 16, 2007

A prayer for mothers

I wrote this prayer to express the joys/concerns/etc I feel as a new mom.

The New Mother's Prayer
J .L. Albin

Lord, help me to be the mother my son thinks I am.
Give me the patience to meet his needs without frustratration,
The understanding to know the hard times will pass,
And the strength to trust my abilities as a parent.
Remind me that each day is precious and fleeting
And that I will only hold him in my arms a short time.
Grant me the confidence to be the mother I choose to be
And guide me when I feel helpless, lost, or unsure.
Let my son feel my love in all my actions
And help me to protect and nurture him all of my days.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Personifying Food and Other Strange Marketing Campaigns

What ad exec at Taco Bell decided personifying burritos was the way to sell tacos? Am I suppose to believe a beef melt is really talking to a nurse at the emergency room? Is anyone? Is that even in a small way funny?

In an effort to find out, I will now personify my breastmilk(bm):

BM: Help, I'm lost!
Police: But you're milk!
BM: Actually I'm Breastmilk.
Police: How can you be lost?
BM: I've lost my boob.
Police: How can you lose a boob?
BM: I don't know I'm just breastmilk.
Police: You're going to have to wait 48 hours to file a missing persons report.
BM: I'm not missing a person, I'm missing a boob.

Funny? No....not at all... Seriously, send an email to Taco Bell and tell them to fire their marketing team.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Accepting applications: motivation needed

So the pod person went on vaca on the day my son pooped on our sheets, the floor needs vacuuming, lesson plans aren't ready, and my husband is watching football. Incidentally how did an academic like myself wind up with a sports fan. Now don't peg me as one of those women who can't differentiate between a touchdown and a homerun. I know the rules to most major sports and understand them but I don't get why its entertaining. Moving on...If you fit the job description below, I have a salary of endless love to offer you:

-endless supply of patience and energy
- no need to sleep or eat
- a drive to actually clean the house not just move around the mess
- a willingness to have sex with my husband - lord knows I don't have the energy and he has needs
- a general love of cats
- the ability to hang pictures, clean tile, fold laundry and scrub pans
- boobs that never tire of being used as a pacifier, chew toy, and bottle
- bilingual - not sure why but it seems like a good idea.

I'm sure I just described moms everywhere, except for the fourth one. 'Cuz let's face it, no mom has time for sex.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

An attempt to organize my life; or, how I learned to become a pod person

So I am doing this program to organize my house right now by setting up routines, which is kind of amusing with a 3 month-old. How can I expect to have a routine when he doesn't? Yes, I know I'm a hippie AP mommy who doesn't schedule her kid Moving on. Despite my inability to establish a routine in the last week I have accomplished the following:
1. Scrubbed with sponge and tooth brush the tile floors in my house
2. Cleaned the baseboards
3. Cleaned the fridge
4. Cleaned off my kitchen table
5. ORGANIZED BABY STUFF
6. Done laundry everyday
7. Typed up an excel sheet w/friends and family's addresses

and more....pause for station identification.

Who is this person? I now lysol wipe my toilets and sinks each day. What about becoming a mom did this? I mean I always fantasized about being a clean person. Not in a June Cleaver way, but in a god, wouldn't it be nice to have somewhere to put that way? That said my domestic obsession is taking its toll on my academics. I'm just not interested in theory or teaching. I want to be a mommy. Of course I'm in class for 12 hours a week, so I should not complain.

Now if I could find time to take a shower - that would be an accomplishment.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Poop and other bodily functions

There are a few things no one tells you about being a mother. One of them is that the girl you were who was disgusted by bodily functions dies forever. You know the one who is not amused by gross out body humor movies and questions why anyone would burp the alphabet or light farts on fire. Not that I do either now, but I do at least once a day finding myself giggling as my son ___ (insert bodily function - burps, farts, poops - here). This, in turn, makes him laugh, because, well, it is just so damn funny to do those things with your body. This amusement is useful because I find the fruits of one his labors makes its way onto me everyday. If you can laugh when he takes a shart, you can laugh when you realize its on you.

The good news is that pregnancy totally prepared me for this. Between, the constant peeing, constipation, burping, and farting, I'm just not phased anymore. In fact, I find myself, ever so gracefully, burping whenever I feel the urge despite my company. Perhaps a bad habit, but in some countries it's a compliment.

Mother of Philosophy

The incredibly true adventures of a breastfeeding academic.
Not everyone can be as selfless as a mother, that's why everyone needs one.
- Me
The Breast Cancer Site